How Supplements, Chiropractor Appointments and Boundaries Will Fix Your Life
spoiler alert: they won't
I’m 35 and tired of trying to build my dream life.
Everywhere I look there’s some “solution” for every part of me or my life I wish was different. Not satisfied with your housing situation? Follow this account and learn how to eventually buy your forever home! Not happy with your body? Sculpt it into shape with this “27 day shred”! Want financial freedom? Monetize your passions, retire your husband and travel the world doing what you love!
It’s a constant stream of: “Read this book. Follow this meal plan. Do this workout. Go to therapy. No, go to this specific type of therapy. Take this online course. Eat this food (but only if it’s organic! Gluten-free! Dairy free! But almond milk causes inflammation so good luck with that!). Get on this budget plan. Melt your wrinkles away with this skincare routine. Listen to this podcast. Wake up at this time. Open your home, be more hospitable. Guard your schedule, protect your calendar, take time for just you! Go to bed at this time. Do more. Try harder. Don’t stop. It’s all up to you. Be your own boss. Comment, “Yes!” and I’ll DM you the solution! The life/health/house/family/community you want is all within your grasp.”
I’m tired of grasping.
I don’t know, guys. There’s just some things I don’t think we can online course ourselves out of. This is coming from someone who has spent many dollars on many online courses in her life (and doesn’t regret it). This is coming from someone who used to teach her own online course. I love a good online course. But no online course, blog, podcast, book or substack I subscribe to is going to insulate me from life just being...well…hard.
Am I saying we shouldn’t try to know better and, as a result, do better? Of course not. I’ve made changes just this month that I know are going to help me move through my life in a healthier way. Am I saying attending webinars and reading books and eating better doesn’t help? No. Of course those things can be good for us.
And yet.
Doing all of that doesn’t guarantee our lives will be “easy”. Doing all of that doesn’t mean we won’t still live with unanswered questions. There aren’t enough tips, tricks and tools to build a life devoid of suffering. It’s all too easy to fall into the lie that if we just read enough books, if we just get up earlier, if we just eat more protein, if we’d just listened to Dave Ramsey in our 20s, life wouldn’t be so hard.
But when you’re trying all the things to “fix your life” and that relationship fades and the chronic illness doesn’t heal and the test results come back wonky and that person in your life makes poor choices, you look around and feel like it's all your fault. Shame snakes in and coils up in your chest. You keep trying things because there’s gotta be a solution you haven’t tried yet, right?
There’s a new prosperity gospel that has been aimed at 30-40 year olds since we entered adulthood over a decade ago. It’s not men in suits with flashy teeth and flashier jets. It's aesthetic and minimal, soft-peach and cozy. It gently takes you by the hand and says that staying hydrated while taking enough supplements, going to chiropractor appointments, establishing boundaries and investing in therapy1 will eventually give you the life you’re aching for. And, to be fair, some of it works.
There are choices we make that affect our life. Actions—good or bad—have consequences. For me personally, if I prioritize sleep, I’m going to show up better for the inevitable stress of my life. If I limit my consumption of sugar and caffeine, I have less anxiety in my body. If I’m wise with my finances I can make good purchases for my family. To a great degree, we do have agency in many aspects of our life. But not all aspects of our life. We have to do the best with what we can control and release the rest. This is what it means to trust God in a broken world. This is the tension we have to live with; fighting to erase it completely is wringing us dry.
It doesn’t matter how “healed” you become (in mind, body, or spirit). Life is still going to rough you up and leave you blinking in your own tears at times. And it’s not because you didn’t try hard enough.
There’s a phrase my sister Melissa and I used to toss back and forth to encourage one another when all of our children were in diapers: “You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s just hard.”
We’d tell eachother this when one of us had been trying everything the mommy blogs said to do and the baby still wouldn’t sleep through the night or the toddler would scream for every car ride. Life being difficult didn’t mean there was a solution we hadn’t figured out yet. Sometimes, life is just difficult.
I wish I could grab all of us in our 30-40s by the shoulders and say the same thing: “You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s just hard.”
I don’t say this to lead you into despair. I say this to lighten the burden that self-help culture has placed on us. It’s not all up to you. You don’t have to figure it all out. Your “dream life” isn’t waiting on the other side of you reaching that financial goal or being that many pounds lighter or unlocking some hidden nugget of wisdom 10 chapters into that one book everyone is raving about.
Your life is happening here. Now. And a lot of it might not look like you thought it would but that’s not all your fault. And the parts you can own up to and improve on, own up to and improve on. Then, exhale into the grace that Jesus has afforded to you.
Have you considered that maybe you’re actually doing a good job? Maybe you’re building a beautiful and quiet life with the money you have and you can be proud of that? Maybe the kids are gonna be ok? Maybe you can turn off that podcast about the physical effects of trauma on the body just go for a walk underneath 100 year old trees for today?
It probably won’t help you build your dream life, but it might help you enjoy the one you have a bit more.
I’m not saying therapy, eating well, going to the chiropractor and having boundaries doesn’t work. I’ve gratefully spent thousands of dollars implementing all of those things and wouldn’t be where I am without them. But doing all of that wasn’t a magic wand that made my life easier. Those things put tools in my hands to cope with life being hard. Sometimes we think those things will fix everything and, when it doesn’t, we feel shame or bitterness that “it didn’t work.” It’s not that doing those things “doesn’t work”, it’s that those things can equip you to do the work. There’s a difference.
One of my phrases is “it’s hard to be a human.” I tell it to other adults, my kids, myself. This is beautiful, Brea, and so so true.
I have felt this deeply for years. I do wonder if formulaic high-demand religion plays a role in feeling an extra heavy burden of shame. The religion that I’ve walked through insinuated (and said outright) that if something was wrong, it wasn’t God’s fault… so it was always my fault. Now translating that idea into the self-help, there’s-a-solution-for-that-online culture.. it’s deep and it’s hard to resist the idea the “hard” can always and should always be cured by ‘more effort and more self-discipline.’ … so thank you for bringing this encouragement into my inbox.