Shame-proof Vacuums & the Tedium of Donald Trump

5 things on my mind

Good afternoon! (at least it’s afternoon where I’m writing to you from). I’m in my Tolkien office, my cat is sleeping in her bed at my feet, the sun is sinking faster than I’d like into the west, but hey, at least it’s out today. My dog needs to be walked and I still need to make chicken and rice for dinner, but before I go and finish off my Monday, here are 5 things on my mind. 

Pour yourself a warm comfort drink of choice and let’s have a chat.

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I made the best decision to quit coffee. Thanks, it’s awful.

Over two years ago, I switched from regular coffee to decaf to see if it would help reduce the intensity of my PMDD symptoms. The transition was unpleasant. Weeks of withdrawal headaches that ruined my days, a (very) limited selection of coffee roasts. I didn’t like it, but my periods did seem to improve after strictly reducing my caffeine intake. 

And then, this year, I noticed new symptoms cropping up. I was waking at night between 2-4am with a racing mind drowning in panic. Nothing was wrong beyond normal life stressors. I had no explanation for it, but it was a miserable time. And so, as an experiment, I quit drinking coffee completely. Because I was only on decaf, this transition wasn’t as intense. And, sure enough, the early morning anxiety attacks have almost disappeared entirely. I’ve now been off caffeine (save for the occasional decaf latte here and there) for nearly four months. It’s great. Ugh. Coffee was never something that ‘woke me up’. It never made me more productive or alert. No, it never affected me that way. Coffee was always a quiet ritual I gave to myself in the mornings. And I miss it. 

Now, this is the part where all the passionate tea drinkers are itching to jump in the comments and give recommendations. And I understand. But please know, I’ve tried many, many teas and every time I bring them to my lips and swallow down, they just make me miss coffee all the more. Do you know how many good caffeine free (not decaf, can’t have it at all!) tea options there are out there? Not many. 

I don’t have much more to say about the loss of my coffee ritual because, in the words of Legolas Greenleaf, “For me the grief is still too near.” 

I fell in love again.

You know that line people give to mothers going from having one baby to two babies who are worried they won’t have enough love for more than one baby? You know how they tell them ‘love just expands where it’s needed’? Apparently that also applies to household appliances. My husband found a robo-vacuum on sale over Labor Day and I’m smitten. That little guy gets turned on once a day and faithfully does his job in a two pet, two kid household and all I can think is, “Where have you been all my life!?”. Last week, I finally figured out why I’ve opened my heart so widely to this black little appliance. 

Not only do I struggle with keeping up a house cleaning routine, I also struggle with the shame of seeing my house dirty as I’m cleaning it. It used to be that I’d finally remember to sweep under the bed and only to be met with shame bullying me throughout the process. “How could you let it get this bad? You’re so gross. Other people don’t let their floors get this disgusting. You’re a loser.” 

And then along comes this little vacuum–my knight in shining computer engineering–who does his job Wall-E style completely immune to shame. He docks himself, I unload the dirt into the trash and that’s that. My heart (and my trash can) have never been so full. 

I don’t have another Trump election campaign in me.

I had the realization today that I’m about to live through my third presidential election involving this man and all of it is happening against my will. I don’t have the energy to listen to people defend him. I don’t have the energy to listen to people talk about how much they loathe him. I don’t have the energy to listen to people saying he’s our savior from the political elites. I don’t have the energy to hear people talking about how he is single handedly ruining the democracy of this country. I don’t have the energy to cope through the fallout if he wins. I don’t have the energy to cope through the fallout if he doesn’t. Whether you’re for him or agin him, don’t get me involved. I beg to be spared, please. 

I know elections are important. I know it’s my responsibility to pray and educate myself and exercise my right to vote. I will be doing all of that. And I’m bone-deep weary of watching people around me devolve into the worst versions of themselves whenever Trump’s name enters the conversation. Election day is less than a year away and I’m already numbed out and dissociating when the topic is brought up. Is there any way I could vote now as an absentee and be put into a coma until it’s over? Or make like Ron Swanson when his ex-wife shows up? I’ll look into both options and get back to you on that.  

I’m still reading The Lord of the Rings.

Yes, I’m still wandering, much like Frodo himself, towards the end of my quest. There have been years where I plowed through all three books in a month. This is a slow year (and richer read-through for that). I’ve been doing weekly breakdowns of the chapters I read and playing host to the best conversations cropping up in the comment section over on my Tolkien substack, Many Meetings. It’s something I’m not in any hurry to wrap up. In fact, I’m quietly considering going through the Silmarillion next but might need some persuading to tackle that one publicly. All that to say, I’m content to keep exploring Arda through the end of fall and throughout the winter. You’re welcome to join anytime if you like (pssst, paid subscribers here get 50% off paid subscriptions to Many Meetings). 

I’ve lost my style confidence.

I don’t know what happened when I turned 34, but I don’t like how I look in any of my clothes (except my graphic tees and biker shorts. Sadly, they’re not proper attire for winters where I live). I used to dress myself and like how I looked. I really did. Now, I loathe every outfit I put together. I don’t know what shoes to wear. I don’t know what pants work for my current body type. And don’t even get me started about how much I still hate my hair four months after getting the worst haircut of my life. I don’t want to be perceived in public. But I sure miss throwing outfits together and loving how I looked. 

This is especially weird to be experiencing now because this has never been an issue for me. I thought it would happen after the babies were born, but it didn’t. If anything, that’s when I was the most confident in my clothing choices. Now my youngest is 6 and I’m suddenly feeling completely disjointed when it comes to communicating who I am through my clothes and hair. Nothing feels or looks right to my eye. What to do? A closet overhaul isn’t in the budget and I’ve never had the mental fortitude for thrifting. And, besides, no amount of money can make my hair grow any faster. I think I’ll just buy that Eddie Bauer coat on sale I’ve been eyeing and hide in it ‘til spring comes back. Anyone else?

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I have a lot more on my brain. Like how I’d give (just about) anything for a patch of land and a sturdy house a quiet place to invite people to get a break from the loud world or how excited I am to not be traveling for the holidays and how it makes me sad at the same time because I know the reasons why or how we almost brought home another Great Dane a few weeks ago but it didn’t work out and then my husband suggested we get the kids a kitten for Christmas and I don’t know how I feel about that but I’ve been searching on PetFinder so maybe I do know how I feel about that.

And now it’s time to leave the office so my robo-vacuum can clean the floor while I walk my dog. I fine way to spend a Monday, if you ask me.

What’s on your mind?