This. As a writer, I understand feeling like the words are a slog. What you’ve written here moved me to tears. Your paragraph about finding God being in the waves resonated so deeply. Anyone who has left religion will resonate with this. Thank you.
"Maybe God never needed the boat to keep me safe from the waves. Maybe God wants to hold my hand and teach me how to walk on them instead." Oh my gosh YES. Thank you for sharing this. I've been here. Still wrestling through some things but I feel calmer now. I feel that so deeply- he's teaching me to walk on the water with him. HE is my safety- not any boat.
Thank you for posting your words. I’m an Anglican clergy woman and in recent years most of the pastoral care that I do is helping people work through the anger and grief from religious trauma. Yes, God can handle our questions and more. Indeed, God gave us the minds, imaginations, and gift of self to ask the questions themselves.
I always remind myself that Jesus never said it was important to be right about things or to have the correct theology. He only said to love and to serve others. And God never asks for fealty or allegiance. God only asks to be loved as well.
Yes. You are not alone. I too have left the sinking boat and I have hope that we will find each other again as we learn to walk on the water. Even though I spend more time sinking than walking, it feels like.
Wow. This is exactly where I’ve been the past 4-5 years as well. You worded precisely what’s going on in my head and heart, and it resonated with me. I’ve been writing on Substack to process my own thoughts and my own suffering, and I am SO thankful you popped up in my weekly stack email. The Lord brought your words to me. Feels like I’ve been wading through so much muck to find who God really is after years of growing up Christian. I’ll be praying for you on this journey. God is faithful.🙌🏼
Thank you for your honesty and courage to ask questions. Praying that you continue seeking God when he calms the storm temporarily or when He asks you to walk those waves with Him. Blessings!
I stumbled upon this post because of the photo. My hiking partner, Maverick, has bone cancer and can no longer hike with me….it was Providence that I should find it.
My theology boat was dashed against the rocks long ago…Remnants of the wreck still pierce me in places, but Christ continues to slowly and gently remove them. I am ever learning how to walk on waves with Him and it is a beautiful journey. Sometimes, like Peter, I falter and begin to tread water, but His extended hand is always there to lift me up. Thank you for being vulnerable and for seeking to know the very heart of God. Wish we could grab a cuppa and revel together in all we’ve learned on our respective paths. Pax et lux, Fleur
Right there with you. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there and asking the hard questions without having the answers. Earlier this year someone gave me a word that I had stepped out of the boat, and while I wasn't sinking in doubt I wasn't walking forward either - I was looking back at the boat wondering who would join me.
Beautiful thoughts. And beautiful questions. I have wrestled with all these thoughts at one time or another, in my life. The more I read the Psalms, alongside reading David's story for the context, the more I see how David went to God with ALL of his feelings and thoughts, not just his "happy" ones. He gave God his praise and his lament. His certainties and his doubts. His questions and his knowledge that the Lord was His answer. The Lord welcomes our questions, and I believe He meets us where we are. He is gracious and kind and long-suffering. And as a former atheist and now believer and pastor's wife (it's a weird world we live in, I know) I'm eternally grateful. I hope you keep seeking the Lord's answers to all the twists and turns life brings you.
What a gorgeous tender post. Thank you for trusting us with your vulnerability. I have asked almost all those same questions and somehow Jesus has held me throughout. May you feel the gentleness, nearness, and love of our Lord.
(Also you weren't kidding. That song was excellent to have in the background.)
I read this article thinking that you were naming all of the things that I've just now become brave enough to voice to my most loved and trusted ones. It's so hard to not know for certain. I just have to keep reminding myself that God can handle all of my questions, all of my doubts, and all of my uncertainty.
This is so relatable! When you grow up in a Christian household, you're in your parents' boat. It's inevitable that at some point we need to jump ship--whether that's when we move out, or when life throws so many lifey things our way, at some point we find holes in the boat. I think this is natural, and I hope more people normalize the questions you are asking and the tensions you are carrying! May we all stop worshipping at the altar of certainty and instead trust the God who is with us in the deep waters.
Thank you,
Thank you,
Thank you.
Oh. My. Goodness.
This. As a writer, I understand feeling like the words are a slog. What you’ve written here moved me to tears. Your paragraph about finding God being in the waves resonated so deeply. Anyone who has left religion will resonate with this. Thank you.
"Maybe God never needed the boat to keep me safe from the waves. Maybe God wants to hold my hand and teach me how to walk on them instead." Oh my gosh YES. Thank you for sharing this. I've been here. Still wrestling through some things but I feel calmer now. I feel that so deeply- he's teaching me to walk on the water with him. HE is my safety- not any boat.
Thank you for posting your words. I’m an Anglican clergy woman and in recent years most of the pastoral care that I do is helping people work through the anger and grief from religious trauma. Yes, God can handle our questions and more. Indeed, God gave us the minds, imaginations, and gift of self to ask the questions themselves.
I always remind myself that Jesus never said it was important to be right about things or to have the correct theology. He only said to love and to serve others. And God never asks for fealty or allegiance. God only asks to be loved as well.
Yes. You are not alone. I too have left the sinking boat and I have hope that we will find each other again as we learn to walk on the water. Even though I spend more time sinking than walking, it feels like.
Wow. This is exactly where I’ve been the past 4-5 years as well. You worded precisely what’s going on in my head and heart, and it resonated with me. I’ve been writing on Substack to process my own thoughts and my own suffering, and I am SO thankful you popped up in my weekly stack email. The Lord brought your words to me. Feels like I’ve been wading through so much muck to find who God really is after years of growing up Christian. I’ll be praying for you on this journey. God is faithful.🙌🏼
How amazing that we can take all our questions to God and that he meets us there!
I feel every bit of this. I could not have said it better myself. Thank you!
Thank you for your honesty and courage to ask questions. Praying that you continue seeking God when he calms the storm temporarily or when He asks you to walk those waves with Him. Blessings!
I stumbled upon this post because of the photo. My hiking partner, Maverick, has bone cancer and can no longer hike with me….it was Providence that I should find it.
My theology boat was dashed against the rocks long ago…Remnants of the wreck still pierce me in places, but Christ continues to slowly and gently remove them. I am ever learning how to walk on waves with Him and it is a beautiful journey. Sometimes, like Peter, I falter and begin to tread water, but His extended hand is always there to lift me up. Thank you for being vulnerable and for seeking to know the very heart of God. Wish we could grab a cuppa and revel together in all we’ve learned on our respective paths. Pax et lux, Fleur
Right there with you. Thanks for putting your thoughts out there and asking the hard questions without having the answers. Earlier this year someone gave me a word that I had stepped out of the boat, and while I wasn't sinking in doubt I wasn't walking forward either - I was looking back at the boat wondering who would join me.
Beautiful thoughts. And beautiful questions. I have wrestled with all these thoughts at one time or another, in my life. The more I read the Psalms, alongside reading David's story for the context, the more I see how David went to God with ALL of his feelings and thoughts, not just his "happy" ones. He gave God his praise and his lament. His certainties and his doubts. His questions and his knowledge that the Lord was His answer. The Lord welcomes our questions, and I believe He meets us where we are. He is gracious and kind and long-suffering. And as a former atheist and now believer and pastor's wife (it's a weird world we live in, I know) I'm eternally grateful. I hope you keep seeking the Lord's answers to all the twists and turns life brings you.
What a gorgeous tender post. Thank you for trusting us with your vulnerability. I have asked almost all those same questions and somehow Jesus has held me throughout. May you feel the gentleness, nearness, and love of our Lord.
(Also you weren't kidding. That song was excellent to have in the background.)
I read this article thinking that you were naming all of the things that I've just now become brave enough to voice to my most loved and trusted ones. It's so hard to not know for certain. I just have to keep reminding myself that God can handle all of my questions, all of my doubts, and all of my uncertainty.
Thank you for writing this. <3
This is so relatable! When you grow up in a Christian household, you're in your parents' boat. It's inevitable that at some point we need to jump ship--whether that's when we move out, or when life throws so many lifey things our way, at some point we find holes in the boat. I think this is natural, and I hope more people normalize the questions you are asking and the tensions you are carrying! May we all stop worshipping at the altar of certainty and instead trust the God who is with us in the deep waters.