This reached my heart, indeed. Know that this post is deeply encouraging to me just to know that I'm not the only "theological lab experiment for how long a person can yearn for good things, have them denied, and still doesn't turn away from God." Thank you for being brave enough to say so. ❤️
I pray that you go to the Father with the rawness of your pain and lay it and your frustrations at His feet. “Come to me all who weary and heavy laden.”
“I want to believe that God is good to me, but right now it just feels like I'm a theological lab experiment to see how long a person can yearn for good things, have them denied and choose not to walk away from God.” !!! I have spoken and written this same sentiment in so many different ways—I am lamenting right here with you! Like the Lord is constantly building resilience just to seemingly take advantage of it when for some (hopefully holy) reason He won’t move the needle in our own story. As a fellow “seems to be created merely to want” believer, I’m at least blessed to find I’m not alone this morning.
Always such a fan of your work, Breanne, glad to read your words again. 💕
“Having mental and chronic illnesses means living with the scent of smoke on your clothes. You’re either about to burn or recovering from the last time everything was licked bare by tongues of hungry heat.” Breanne, thank you for writing this. It’s good to have pain put into words and when I read this today, I feel less alone. Less misunderstood. 🤍
I understand this post so deeply, it makes my heart ache in the most seen and compassionate way. I've been finding I have to do the same, just write, get it out. I also am very happy and grateful to have started a women's virtual Bible study a few weeks ago (virtual because I'm in Bosnia and the others in it so far are in various States in the US), so that helps a ton as well. BTW yall ladies are welcome to join if you like. It's like a women's fellowship study hall. But anywho... I feel you, Breanne. I see you. And I'm adding you to my prayer journal. You're a precious gem God gave this world. I feel so honoured to get to be one of the ones to read your words. ❤️
Resonate to it allll. Sorry ☹️ you articulate it well, in a way maybe I could share with others and they actually understand (all I can say is “I’m just so tired but I don’t do anything”).
I often feel the same way about my writing. I often feel it is too dark, too untidy to put out into the world. That said, I attended a lecture featuring author and songwriter Andrew Peterson last fall and there was a Q&A after. I asked how I could “infuse hope” into my writing, like he does. I lamented that my writing (mostly on my journey caregiving and parenting a pre-teen with non-speaking autism) felt too depressing. He was visibly alarmed. “I’m sort of allergic to that idea,” he said. (Oops.) He said he didn’t care for neat and tidy lessons in stories and that the best way to be a hopeful writer is to be a hopeful person. I walked away from the lecture thinking that perhaps I needed to work on my own hopefulness (though that wasn’t necessarily his message) but I ended up recognizing that I actually am a hopeful person (and I suspect you are, too). I’m just a hopeful, honest person. And that sometimes feels like I’m not very hopeful but I think honest hope is a rare breed of hope that people deeply need. And I believe your writing provides just that to your readers, Breanne. 💛
Would that we, your readers, particularly those who have been here long and know very well, could bustle through your home (yet somehow magically not be intrusive or crowd the space) and whip up batches of deeply deserved chocolate muffins and fill the house with the aroma of encouragement. Not empty words encouragement, but the steadfast presence of being near (even now, even just in spirit) as the time painfully ticks in that too-long-drawn-out anticipation for renewal. I say it not as a tossed out limp handkerchief to fill the air, but in sincerity- I'm praying for the barriers of the Lord to shield you and protect you and for miracles to spring up around you, even the ones you've become unsure of daring to hope for. I'm a highly flowery corndog when it comes to writing encouragement, but I just gotta tell it like it feels. You're seen, Breanne.
I so wish you didn't know the pain of carrying things in your spirit that you can't share bc it involves the stories and hearts of others. It's hard to find a space to share those things when there's no pretty bow to wrap it up or lessons learned that make any sense to those who don't know you. It took me 20 years to release something like this...with no way to ever find closure. Feeling this with you and appreciative of the way you found a way to talk about it. ❤️
When I read you're title I knew exactly what what you meant before reading the post. I have been going through a simmilar season for almost a year now. My health is trending better. I have more good days than I used which is such a blessing. But I am also tired of the glimmers. I want so much to be well and be able to work, and not to feel like a burden. I want some sort of success that's not just something 'normal people' take for granted. It's tough! But another part of me understands that this season has a greater purpose even though I cant imagine what it is. After all, God has plans to give us a hope and future.
Often I think of Joseph who spent years in prison for a crime he didn't commit. Who before that was a slave betrayed by his own brothers. He waited for his promise for over a decade! I bet he grew tired of the glimmers too, but as long as they are there, there is hope for something more. God won't abandon us in this dark!
“What if what I know is unresolved pain and chronic illness? What if what I know is deep-seeded generational trauma that keeps springing up no matter how many times I’ve yanked it up by the roots?”
Oh Breanne, I have missed your writing so much 💛
I resonated with your post on so many levels. Hugs to you and prayers for you to be on the mend soon ✨
* sits down in the dark, February quiet, and holds your hand *
Same, and you are not alone in that deep wrestling. 2024 has been a beast so far. All of creation seems to be groaning with growth pains and desperately clawing at a deep need to rest. Seeing your post today was a glimmer in the dark. Reading it healed something in me -- letting me know we all aren't alone in our dark seasons. Satan loves to make us believe we are.
I pray you find more bright rays this week shining through dancing trees to sprinkle some hope in your soul.
Thank you as always, Breanne. Joyed to see you once again.
This reached my heart, indeed. Know that this post is deeply encouraging to me just to know that I'm not the only "theological lab experiment for how long a person can yearn for good things, have them denied, and still doesn't turn away from God." Thank you for being brave enough to say so. ❤️
I pray that you go to the Father with the rawness of your pain and lay it and your frustrations at His feet. “Come to me all who weary and heavy laden.”
"I have to keep writing even when it’s not what I want to write about." Thank you for your vulnerability!
“I want to believe that God is good to me, but right now it just feels like I'm a theological lab experiment to see how long a person can yearn for good things, have them denied and choose not to walk away from God.” !!! I have spoken and written this same sentiment in so many different ways—I am lamenting right here with you! Like the Lord is constantly building resilience just to seemingly take advantage of it when for some (hopefully holy) reason He won’t move the needle in our own story. As a fellow “seems to be created merely to want” believer, I’m at least blessed to find I’m not alone this morning.
Always such a fan of your work, Breanne, glad to read your words again. 💕
This hit me in all the hard, best ways. Thank you for sharing 💜
oooof, thank you for sharing. Praying you find peace and healing
“Having mental and chronic illnesses means living with the scent of smoke on your clothes. You’re either about to burn or recovering from the last time everything was licked bare by tongues of hungry heat.” Breanne, thank you for writing this. It’s good to have pain put into words and when I read this today, I feel less alone. Less misunderstood. 🤍
I understand this post so deeply, it makes my heart ache in the most seen and compassionate way. I've been finding I have to do the same, just write, get it out. I also am very happy and grateful to have started a women's virtual Bible study a few weeks ago (virtual because I'm in Bosnia and the others in it so far are in various States in the US), so that helps a ton as well. BTW yall ladies are welcome to join if you like. It's like a women's fellowship study hall. But anywho... I feel you, Breanne. I see you. And I'm adding you to my prayer journal. You're a precious gem God gave this world. I feel so honoured to get to be one of the ones to read your words. ❤️
Resonate to it allll. Sorry ☹️ you articulate it well, in a way maybe I could share with others and they actually understand (all I can say is “I’m just so tired but I don’t do anything”).
I often feel the same way about my writing. I often feel it is too dark, too untidy to put out into the world. That said, I attended a lecture featuring author and songwriter Andrew Peterson last fall and there was a Q&A after. I asked how I could “infuse hope” into my writing, like he does. I lamented that my writing (mostly on my journey caregiving and parenting a pre-teen with non-speaking autism) felt too depressing. He was visibly alarmed. “I’m sort of allergic to that idea,” he said. (Oops.) He said he didn’t care for neat and tidy lessons in stories and that the best way to be a hopeful writer is to be a hopeful person. I walked away from the lecture thinking that perhaps I needed to work on my own hopefulness (though that wasn’t necessarily his message) but I ended up recognizing that I actually am a hopeful person (and I suspect you are, too). I’m just a hopeful, honest person. And that sometimes feels like I’m not very hopeful but I think honest hope is a rare breed of hope that people deeply need. And I believe your writing provides just that to your readers, Breanne. 💛
Would that we, your readers, particularly those who have been here long and know very well, could bustle through your home (yet somehow magically not be intrusive or crowd the space) and whip up batches of deeply deserved chocolate muffins and fill the house with the aroma of encouragement. Not empty words encouragement, but the steadfast presence of being near (even now, even just in spirit) as the time painfully ticks in that too-long-drawn-out anticipation for renewal. I say it not as a tossed out limp handkerchief to fill the air, but in sincerity- I'm praying for the barriers of the Lord to shield you and protect you and for miracles to spring up around you, even the ones you've become unsure of daring to hope for. I'm a highly flowery corndog when it comes to writing encouragement, but I just gotta tell it like it feels. You're seen, Breanne.
I so wish you didn't know the pain of carrying things in your spirit that you can't share bc it involves the stories and hearts of others. It's hard to find a space to share those things when there's no pretty bow to wrap it up or lessons learned that make any sense to those who don't know you. It took me 20 years to release something like this...with no way to ever find closure. Feeling this with you and appreciative of the way you found a way to talk about it. ❤️
Such a beauty in this reflection of such a difficult time. Just sharing two random pieces of mine, to see if they might connect in any way.
Why I write...
https://open.substack.com/pub/theseainme/p/why-i-write-a-reflection?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=46rss
When I read you're title I knew exactly what what you meant before reading the post. I have been going through a simmilar season for almost a year now. My health is trending better. I have more good days than I used which is such a blessing. But I am also tired of the glimmers. I want so much to be well and be able to work, and not to feel like a burden. I want some sort of success that's not just something 'normal people' take for granted. It's tough! But another part of me understands that this season has a greater purpose even though I cant imagine what it is. After all, God has plans to give us a hope and future.
Often I think of Joseph who spent years in prison for a crime he didn't commit. Who before that was a slave betrayed by his own brothers. He waited for his promise for over a decade! I bet he grew tired of the glimmers too, but as long as they are there, there is hope for something more. God won't abandon us in this dark!
“What if what I know is unresolved pain and chronic illness? What if what I know is deep-seeded generational trauma that keeps springing up no matter how many times I’ve yanked it up by the roots?”
Oh Breanne, I have missed your writing so much 💛
I resonated with your post on so many levels. Hugs to you and prayers for you to be on the mend soon ✨
* sits down in the dark, February quiet, and holds your hand *
Same, and you are not alone in that deep wrestling. 2024 has been a beast so far. All of creation seems to be groaning with growth pains and desperately clawing at a deep need to rest. Seeing your post today was a glimmer in the dark. Reading it healed something in me -- letting me know we all aren't alone in our dark seasons. Satan loves to make us believe we are.
I pray you find more bright rays this week shining through dancing trees to sprinkle some hope in your soul.
Thank you as always, Breanne. Joyed to see you once again.