April is here and with it has come rain, rain, rain where I live. The river has become a bloated thing that swelled onto the roadsides and houses; a brown leviathan moving with unhurried force. Watching it heave through the land reminds you just how little control you actually have.
My tulips are blooming. They wave in the wind’s hand like goblets full of rosé toasting spring. If there’s such a thing as intoxicating beauty I think I found it. Every time I plant bulbs in November, I think about how shoving them into the dirt is all I can do, but making them unfurl into the sun has nothing to do with me.
I got blindsided by another virus in the last few weeks. Thankfully, I didn't end up at the doctor’s office and coming home with antibiotics like I usually do. I did have two weird panic-attack-type things brought on by (I think) dehydration from the virus. One of the most destabilizing things for your mind is when your body doesn’t react how you think it will. It seems, at times, I can’t even control my own body.
Speaking of my body, I don’t know how to dress it anymore. I texted a friend (both of us in our mid-30s) about how much I’m struggling to like what I see in the mirror. We both laughed and bemoaned the fact that we have no clue what to wear anymore. I’m told I’m supposed to love my body as is. It’s hard to do that when my body “as is” doesn’t fit into most of my clothes comfortably. It’s hard to not fall into the trap that smaller = better. It’s hard to keep trying to “get fit” with back to back viruses. I will still get in my 10,000 steps and weight lifting today. I’ll get back to you on the “how to dress my current body” thing.
I haven’t been doing much personal writing lately. I launched a read through of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion1 this month and the prep work of that has taken up a lot of my writing time. The response to it surprised me. I guess I’m not the only one who wants to gather around stories with other people. Something makes me think we need spaces that facilitate that now more than ever. And so, I’m trying in my own small way to set up a virtual table for listening, for understanding for celebrating beautiful stories and what they teach us.
I’ve also been investing in a private little Writer’s Group for paid subscribers to this substack. Once a week, I send out a chat with tiny writing challenges and we all come together to discuss our hurdles and ask questions. There’s just something about having a private space to be cheered on and gently held accountable to your craft that helps so much.
If you want to write more, our little nook might be the place for you.
A question that keeps popping into my brain: “Am I ok? Are YOU ok? Are we ok?”
I haven’t felt like things *gestures wildly in all general directions* have been ok in a long time. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not struggling with my mid-30s body and how to dress it. I’m weary of ignoring the chasm-sized rift I feel between me and the faith system I was raised in. I’m exhausted from trying to navigate conversations between increasingly polarizing perspectives in the political spheres where everyone wants my “all or nothing” support.
And yet, I don’t want to spend my time writing (or your time reading) complaints about the state of the world and the state of my own personal woes. There’s gotta be better uses for our days, right? I’m committed to writing about things that need to be said even when it makes me nervous. I’m committed to calling my conservative representatives and telling them to get it together.2 I’m committed to not letting anyone rob or demolish my joy.
That’s why you’ll find me drinking beauty from tulip goblets and getting deeply lost in fiction and hunting for signs of spring like my life depends on it.
I’m still here. I’m still alive. And so are you. Isn’t that miraculous?
And now I’ll turn the keyboard over to you. What’s on your mind? What’s has the beginning of April been like for you? What’s one thing you’d like me to write more about in this space? I’d love to meet you where you are today.
My Tolkien work has really taken off in an unexpected way (my 12 year old little nerd self would be passing out from happiness to know this!). If you’re ever curious about what I do, you can check out my other substack. And remember, paid subscriber here get 50% off paid subscriptions to Many Meetings!
Regardless of the failure of those whose voices we once thought true and reliable…..keep your eyes focused on Jesus. He will never fail us!
Oh April, she’s brought a bit more sunshine, more bills, answers to my shoulder injury, a safe vehicle to drive, a progressively dirtier house, beautiful helping neighbors and hard decisions.
I love how you write hopefully but honestly about how hard the every day is. My family doesn’t think anxiety exists or depression and having you talk about how our faith isn’t negated by our mental or physical health is so encouraging to me.
I know it isn’t helpful but I am happy to read whatever you write.