June Baby

thoughts on stupid, stubborn hope

The rain we needed finally came. April was dry. May was rain-soaked. This spring our yard had cracked open the way it does after a blistering summer. The brittle grass had barely grown for weeks. And then the rain. Days and days of it. It was strange to have an essentially sunless May, but I welcomed the rain that came with it. And now June is here. Beautiful, blue-skied, burgeoning June.

We wrapped up school. The kids lost motivation to finish a month ago. I lost it a month before that. I’ll refrain from continued moaning about school and just say we’re all relieved to walk into summer.

Just roast it and be done

These days I’m tossing fresh green beans in olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, roasting them in the air fryer for 15 minutes and then drizzling them with hot honey. I have to stop myself from eating the whole bag.

For too long food, and the preparation of it, has been a thorn in my side. Now, I’m just eating less bread, less sugar, more protein and more fiber and calling it a day. Pro tip: every vegetable is better roasted and dark chocolate doesn’t count. Follow me for more healthy food eating tips.

Joy vs Retribution

Last month, I watched Stephen Colbert put on his last Late Show. It was one of the most bittersweet things I've ever seen in media. The way he and his team leaned into joy when all I saw from the general public was a demand for them unsheathe retribution shifted something in me.

Whether you believe Stephen’s show was cut because he spoke out about Donald Trump’s corruption as a president or you believe the show was cut to serve a corporate bottom line (or both), Stephen has said the news was a shock to him. It was not something he saw coming or wanted to happen on this short of a timeline at all. And yet, he met the reality of something unwanted with acceptance and laughter.

Some might scoff and say, “Well of course he’s able to laugh through losing his job. I would too if I had that much money.” To that I say: “You’re right.” And then I would also say, “That truth doesn’t mean I’m not watching a person who’s dealt with exceptional grief in his lifetime¹, live out acceptance on the world stage.”

Stephen Colbert losing his job is not the same as a “normal” person losing their job. And Colbert choosing to opt out of bitterness and resentment in the act of letting go of a dream he loved was moving to witness. Both can be true.

The following night my husband and I sat down and watched Stephen’s guest appearance² on a local Michigan public access TV show, ‘Only in Monroe’. We laughed for nearly an hour straight. The absurdity in the face of a sad ending was a poignant thing my spirit needed to witness. Maybe I can laugh when things are sad too. Maybe sadness doesn’t get the last word. Joy does.

Hope is stubborn like that. It can be stupid like that too.

I like her just fine

I turned 37 this month. I’m a June baby; born in the month that holds the threshold between spring and summer. I love the age I am. I don’t fear being in the last years of my 30s.

Every year that passes just finds me more settled in myself and who I am. I talk to other people my age and they cringe, “We’re so old now!” they groan. I don’t feel old. I feel the most me I’ve ever felt. I don’t want to go back to the tumultuous, anxious to please, simple-minded person I was in my 20s. I've met 37 year old Breanne. I like her just fine, thanks.

Drop the drill sergeant, babe

I’ve started waking up and doing “cozy workouts”.³ I’ve since discovered that all it took for me to be consistent with moving my body is to drop the drill sergeant approach (if that works for you, great!). I have no interest in “hyping myself up” to work out. You cannot motivate me by asking me to compete against other people working out at the same time as me. But give me a candle, some warm lemon water or tea, and a slice of sunlight before the kids wake up? I’m there, weights and mat in hand.

Dumping out a drawer of good things I’ve collected lately

i. I’ve read twelve books so far this year. I have five in my current TBR pile. This is has been the first year in a long time that I’ve prioritized reading this much. I’m reading The Silmarillion now.⁴ I love reading Tolkien. I have no plans to stop reading Tolkien and also, I want to read a non-Tolkien related fiction book with people here. I don’t know. We’ll see. I just know that reading is good. And reading with other people is good stacked on good.

ii. I had an appointment with my doctor this month. I went in for lab work the week before. I sat with her in the cold, florescent box of an examine room and watched her tell me that my numbers were good. They still need improving, but they are good. She also said we can talk about tapering off the medicine I started last November.

iii. Last year, I had episode after episode where I’d wake from sleeping to end up laying our bedroom floor, shaking uncontrollably and feeling like I was about to pass out. Jonathan would have to come home from work so I could recover for the rest of the day with a nauseous stomach and wobbly legs that could only get up to take me to the bathroom. I was scared to sleep at night. I missed my son’s baseball games. This morning I laid on that same floor on a mat while lifting weights and feeling how strong my body was getting. Sometimes the story you’re living out hurts a lot. And, then you turn the page and get to write a new chapter.

iiii. I woke up early one morning this week while my husband was leaving for work. He stopped at the door and said, “Hey Bernie, come look at this. Look at the way the light is coming through the trees.” And we got to witness it, just me and him.

June is here. Joy is (sometimes) absurd. Our stories are sad but they can be good too. Reclaiming my mornings, my body and myself at 37 is a quiet victory I’m celebrating. The year is half over and I don’t know how I feel about that. The world is still throbbing in pain and I don’t know what to do except what I can do. Which is to say, I’m trying.

Which is to say, in spite of it all, I’m still clinging stubbornly, stupidly to hope.

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1. https://www.biography.com/movies-tv/stephen-colbert-father-brothers-plane-crash

2. Do yourself a favor and carve out an hour to watch this absurdity. You’re welcome.

3. A concept my friend Kelly | themiddlepage introduced me to via this instagram account.

4. What do you mean I get to read Tolkien with 1400 people from around the world?!