Last Friday, I passed out on our kitchen floor.
The simple act of cutting a slice of quiche for breakfast resulted in an open gash on my left index finger. As soon as the knife slipped and I saw how deep the wound was, I knew I would most likely pass out.
I immediately began taking the necessary precautions. I called Jonathan at work and kept him on the phone. I cleaned the cut, then sat down on the floor, elevated my hand and pinched the wound shut to keep it from bleeding profusely. I eventually laid flat on the floor while trying as best as I could to calmly explain to the kids what was going on.
And then I passed out.
Thankfully, Jonathan was on the phone to talk to the kids and, after my short “nap”, wake me up. He was also able to get home within 30 minutes of my initial call to help the kids process and let me recover in bed. The wound was small but deep and, praise God, healing up just fine without needing stitches. Who knew quiche could be so dangerous?
I’m currently trying to type this to you with a heavily bandaged finger. Something as small as a minor kitchen injury has shifted the way I’ve had to do life this week. Everything from walking Billie to taking showers has suddenly been inconvenienced by the fact that I have to keep the wound clean, dry and protected from re-injury. Because of a wound, I’ve had to live differently with myself.
In the past two years, I’ve been hurt emotionally, spiritually, mentally by a formerly close relationship. In that time, I was also diagnosed with a crippling chronic illness. These weren’t things you could physically dress with bandages but I still felt like I was bleeding out invisibly.
At first I tried to continue as normal. But the more I did this, the more I internally crumbled. Over time (and with lots of therapy) I realized something had to shift. I couldn’t live the way I did before everything happened. I had to trust God enough to make peace with where I was while grieving the necessary changes I had to make in order to heal.
» It was ok if I put up boundaries to keep myself safe.
» It was ok if I avoided attending church because I had anxiety attacks when walking into a traditional church building.
» It was ok if I took a break from trying to hang out with people because I was healing from a deep personal betrayal.
» It was ok that every chore in my home wasn’t done to perfection each day because grappling with relational trauma and a newly diagnosed chronic illness was (is) a lot.
» It was ok to invest hundreds of dollars in therapy so I learned how to process my hurt in ways that didn’t harm others.
I’m not completely on the other side of healing as I write this. I still have questions that throb like bruises. I still don’t know why God walked me through those circumstances. I’m still grieving. And that’s ok.
If you’re reading this and going through a personal hardship too, I’m writing this to nudge you to ask God how you might need to live differently in this season.
What do you need to let go of so you can better cling to His truth?
What do you need to make peace with and grieve at the same time?
What’s one way you can accept His gentleness towards you as you heal?
I’m sitting with these questions myself, even now. Just like my minor kitchen injury has resulted in me having to shift everything to protect what’s been wounded, I also have to allow God to do the same with my gashed open heart.
Pretending it doesn’t hurt or attempting to ignore and push through the pain aren't burdens you have to carry anymore.
Lay them down and let Him bind you up.
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All of these questions have met me at a point of need this morning, Breanne--thank you. I’ve been walking the long road of therapy since last August and was finally feeling like I was finding some footing. And then one of my own wounds was torn back open this week and left me feeling completely demoralized and unsure of any of this hard and holy work I’ve been moving through. The Lord tenderly and graciously revealed some things to me following the incident, but pockets of grief and anger have been creeping up and taunting me. These are all thoughtful questions to consider as I discern what steps I need to continue taking to feel safe.
Timely, thank you ❤️