What do you do when you wake up one day and don’t recognize yourself? I’m not talking about physically, I mean in the philosophical ‘who am I now?’ sense. I’ve experienced this multiple times as God allows me to age but the sensation has never been as sharp as it has been in my 30s.
I woke up this morning and these words toppled out so fast I didn’t even get out of bed to write them. It started on a notes app and then moved to the draft folder on my laptop and then went straight to what you’re reading now on your own screen.
I don’t know who needs to read this but apparently I needed to write it.
I’ll be 34 soon and I don’t recognize myself. But when I look back at the younger me, I don’t know her either. I used to believe a lot of things I don’t believe now. About my body. About my purpose. About my relationship with God. About what it means to be a woman in God’s kingdom. The changes have been scary and relieving and good.
I barely talk about my kids publicly now. Being their mother used to frame every creative thing I did. I wasn’t brave enough to put out what I wanted to say without pouring it through the sieve of motherhood. I thought I had to justify being a writer and photographer by saying it was making me a better mom. Now, I know being creative is part of who I am and that’s enough.
I have my own publication where I write weekly in a more disciplined way than I have my whole writing career. And you show up to read it. You pay to support my work here. You look forward to reading my words. I never thought that could actually happen. God is good.
I post on TikTok now. Regularly. If you would’ve told 12yo Breanne she gets paid to walk around with her Great Dane and talk about Tolkien, her mind would’ve exploded with happiness. God is funny.
There’s lots of online chatter right now about slow, written content vs. faster paced, video content. I’m learning when dichotomies show up, it’s good to get curious and ask, “Do I actually have to pick a side here or is everyone just making me feel like I do?”
I used to think I had to claim a label for my vocation and protect it like an apex territorial predator. “I am a writer! I am a photographer! I am creative! If I’m not stressed about protecting anything that threatens those labels I’m failing all of them!”
I am those things but I’m not only those things. If I want to do those things well, I have to manage my time and be diligent, but participating in one vocation isn’t a betrayal of the other ones.
I’m choosing to show up publicly where God reveals joy to me and talk about that. Sometimes it’s on The Redemptive with deep, long form writing. Sometimes, it’s picking up my camera for a photo shoot at golden hour. Sometimes, it’s making a TikTok video about Samwise Gamgee planting a Mallorn tree in the Shire. I’m here for all of it.
I don’t know what God is doing with my life and, believe me, I’m still limping from the weight of some hefty questions. But I’m moving forward. My therapist has told me that one sign of healing is the ability to accept things change and look forward to the future. As much pain as I’m still in emotionally and spiritually with the unresolved circumstances in my life, I’m curious to find out what God is doing. I think this is the beginning of the healing my therapist keeps talking about.
Why am I telling you all of this from my bed on a weekday in May? (this is a lot to put out into the world before I’ve even taken my pajamas off, ya know?) The truth is, I don’t know. If I could put it succinctly (never my strength) I’d say this: I want to be seen for who I am and I want you to feel confident to do the same.
This doesn’t start with seeking outside validation. It starts by agreeing with God about who He says you are. You’re not the sum of your roles or gifts or ‘callings’--whatever they may be. You don’t have to burn yourself out in service to them. You are His. Full stop. And He’s given us every resource–Scripture, the Holy Spirit, the intercession of Jesus Christ—to equip you to live boldly in the freedom that.
This is me giving you 1,000 words from my bed before I’ve had breakfast to help you claim the truth of what God has already proclaimed over you.
As a nod to C.S Lewis’ famous quote, I’m leaving behind the childish notion that unless what I do makes me a better mom, I can’t fully enjoy it. I’m leaving behind the childish notion I peaked in my 20s. I’m leaving behind the childish notion that I can only be a mom or only a writer or only a photographer or only anything. I’m growing up. And God is meeting me there. Join me?
“When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.” - C.S. Lewis
So hi, I’m still Breanne but not the Breanne you may have known in the past. And if you’ve happened to find me over the years as I’ve been figuring all this out, I’m glad you’re here.
Whether you follow me here, subscribe to The Redemptive or take Tolkien Walks with me and Billie on the app writers like me are supposed to loathe, this is my re-introduction of the woman God is growing me into through all of that. It’s all been an adventure I wouldn’t want to repeat but I wouldn’t change either. I love the woman Jesus has been faithful to grow me into today.
In the Lord of the Rings, Tolkien writes how Hobbits don’t come of age until they turn 33. This is when they leave behind childish things and really start their life.
I’ve never related to fictional characters more.
Surprise!
I usually don’t share two free posts on The Redemptive in the same week, but this is my publication and I do what I want.
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“I’m choosing to show up publicly where God reveals joy to me and talk about that.”
I love that.
Yay for enjoying things just to enjoy them!